Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Someone stole a lamp last night.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
