you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
You smell like stripper and shame
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
