dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
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