That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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