remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Randomize
