He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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