I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
