We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
