we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
