Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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