Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
