So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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