I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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