She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
