please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
