At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
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A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
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That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.