I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?