You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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