lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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