I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Randomize
