I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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