: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
