Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
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I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
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She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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