Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
