so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
