btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
