I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You are the jesus of drinking
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
