I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
