So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
