Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
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Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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