he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
where does the pee come out of this thing
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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