where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
My ass is underappreciated
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
