I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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