you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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