If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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