I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.