So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax