this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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