I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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