dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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