he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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