Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
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I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
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There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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