i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
