she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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