My cat gives me a boner
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
