shes about as inviting as chlamydia
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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