Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
