your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
