Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
