i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
