I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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