my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
you didnt know i had herpes?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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