tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
