so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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