Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
