Already got asked if we're dating
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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