You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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