then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
