Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Randomize
